Kristen and I were lucky enough to spend the weekend in Provincetown.  The Land’s End Inn is our favorite place to stay for many reasons — but chief among them is its magnificent porch with views of the harbor.  Our purpose this weekend was to get away from the office to do some strategic planning for the firm, and so we have happily holed up on a wicker couch with coffee, laptops, and our agenda.

The inn is in Provincetown’s relatively sleepy West End, and feels much farther from the bustle of downtown than its 1.8 miles.  In addition to lawyers seeking quiet, it generally tends to attract the baby boomer set.

I knew we had selected the perfect location for our retreat, but I didn’t expect to learn so much about divorce from our colleagues on the porch. You see, the Land’s End is one of those places where people talk to other people.  The conversations, which begin with a “where are you from?,” quickly drift into much more intimate discussions.   Ah, the safety of strangers. So many people here are sharing the fact that they are — in their words — reinventing themselves.  Sometimes it’s a new career post-retirement; sometimes it’s ending a marriage.

As we have written before, we know from our experience in practice that so-called “silver divorce” is on the rise. The New York Times has written about it, and it’s a major theme in Netflix’s popular show Grace and Frankie.  According to the Times, “in 2014, people age 50 and above were twice as likely to go through a divorce than in 1990, according to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University in Ohio. For those over 65, the increase was even higher. At the same time, divorce rates have plateaued or dropped among other age groups.“

What I am hearing anecdotally on the porch tends less towards a focus on finding new love and more than towards finding one’s self.

They are also scattered about with photos from our retreat, but now it’s time for me to stop talking and let the wonderful guests of the Land’s End speak:

“What works in one season of your life doesn’t necessarily work in another.”  — Gentleman on the Porch

“I turned 60 and I realized I haven’t ridden a bike in 40 years.  I wanted to find out if I remembered.  He didn’t, he was good.”  — Lady on the Porch

“There was so much I wanted to do and see and try.  I had to go live.” — Lady on the Porch

“I figure it’s time for me to stop saying I’m brave and start being brave.”  — Gentleman on the Porch

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Freed Marcroft’s attorneys guide select clients through the legal aspects of divorce while remaining mindful of their overall wellness.

To discuss our helping with your situation, contact us today either here or by phone at 860-560-8160.

“Wait, we do what?”

It can sound pretty baffling at first.

Here’s the scoop.  The kids stay in the family home — the “nest,” get it?  The idea is that instead of children having to go back and forth between their parents, the parents are the ones doing the moving around.  A parent moves into the home for parenting time with the kids, and then out to his or her part-time place when it’s the other parent’s parenting time.

What to do with the house is often a major concern during divorce.  Personal concerns range from the financial  (“Can one of us afford to maintain the house post-divorce?”  “If we decide to list it, will it sell and when?” What if I can’t qualify for a mortgage on my own?), to the legal (“Is my spouse entitled to any of the value of the home if I owned it before the marriage?”  “What would a court decide?”) to the emotional (“But what about the fact that this was my parents’ house?”).

For many divorcing spouses who have children, though, the main concern is how decisions involving the house impact the children.  Often, there is a strong desire to keep the children in the family home to allow them a smoother transition to life as a divorced family.  Although nesting can initially sound untraditional, the hope is that children experience much less disruption in their lives and routines than they would if they had to shuttle between two homes and adapt to completely new living arrangements.

But as a practical matter, how does bird nesting work?

People get quite creative when it comes to bird nesting.  Here are some approaches:

• Three homes: In the most well-known nesting set-up, the family home is maintained, and both parents have separate residences outside of the family home. This gives parents their own separate space and makes transitions smooth.  That said, this is essentially the maintenance of three homes, and for many families is not a practical solution.
• Two homes: For some parents, maintaining two separate residences might be an option. The family home remains the main home for the children, and then there is a second residence that the parents stay in when it’s their turn to be away from the kids. As you can imagine, this is really only an option for former spouses who really get along.  (As you can also imagine, new partners pose and additional complication.)
• One home: Another option is for the parents to find a brand new home for the entire family.  Generally, their goal is to find a place where both parents can maintain separate or mostly-separate living quarters and rotate in and out of the main living spaces house to spend time with the kids.
• Friends and family: Some spouses choose to live with friends or family when they aren’t in the nest with the children.  We generally see this set-up as a temporary solution either while the divorce is pending or for a finite period following the divorce.
• Hotels: Some people choose to stay in a hotel when they aren’t in the family home. This also tends to be temporary, as it is an expensive option.  Its benefits include allowing a parent to have privacy and the flexibility of not having to enter into a longer term lease.

The Benefits of Collaborative Law and Mediation

If the “what to do with the house” decision is left up to the court, it is likely to default to one of the traditional approaches — such as the house is sold or one spouse is awarded the house.  If a version of bird nesting is something you think might work for your family, you should strongly consider an alternative approach to divorce like collaborative law or mediation.  Creative approaches aren’t generally what courts are best at, and most families find there are far greater opportunities to tailor a parenting plan and living situation to their families needs when they opt out of traditional divorce litigation.

At Freed Marcroft, we also often recommend that parents considering bird nesting onboard a mental health professional who focuses his or her practice on children and divorce.  A therapist can be an invaluable resource for making sure your decisions regarding the parenting plan and living arrangements will work well for your kids.  In addition, he or she can flag things you should consider before deciding to continue to share a space with your former spouse.

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Freed Marcroft’s attorneys guide select clients through the legal aspects of divorce while remaining mindful of their overall wellness.  To discuss our helping with your situation, contact us today either here or by phone at 860-560-8160.

Meghan Freed and Kristen Marcroft are members of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP), the Connecticut Council for Non-Adversarial Divorce (CCND), and the Collaborative Divorce Lawyers Association of Greater Hartford, Connecticut (CDLA). Meghan Freed is a member of the Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG).

Meghan Freed, Kristen Marcroft, and Ann Newman have supplemented their formal legal education with advanced training in mediation. They are all members of the Connecticut Council for Non-Adversarial Divorce.

I know.  You’re thinking, “what is she thinking.”

Forgive me, I’m tired.  I was up late watching the DNC last night.  But please bear with me for a minute while I draw this analogy for you.

At Freed Marcroft we have pages on Instagram and Pinterest — both visual formats that lend themselves to the meme.  (We are more on the relevant to divorce and family law quote meme program than the “I Can Haz Cheezburger” cat meme program, but, hey, we are adaptable.)  As a result, we always have our ears open for quotes that are inspiring and relevant to people going through a divorce or other family law issue.

Let me tell you, our cup has overfloweth-ed during the DNC.

Even though these lines were originally spoken in a deeply political scenario, they ring true when you take them out of that context and stand them on their own.  They are applicable to family law and, frankly, to life generally.

Here are three of the best:

When they go low, we go high.  — Michelle Obama

The world breaks everyone and then they get strong at the broken places.  — Joe Biden

Hope in the face of difficulty; hope in the face of uncertainty; the audacity of hope. — Barack Obama

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Freed Marcroft’s attorneys guide select clients through the legal aspects of divorce while remaining mindful of their overall wellness.

To discuss our helping with your situation, contact us today either here or by phone at 860-560-8160.

Freed Marcroft attorney Meghan Freed was featured in a recent Avvo article on the benefits and detriments of marijuana use on relationships.

Author Elizabeth Weiss discussed several relationship benefits, including anxiety reduction, trust building, and fight prevention.

Meghan spoke to the potential financial and legal downsides:

There’s also a potential money issue. Depending on the enthusiasm with which a couple embarks on marijuana as an extracurricular activity, the cost—literally and figuratively—of marijuana usage could be substantial. “Although the mental and physical impacts of marijuana use on a spouse—and therefore on a marriage—may be more obvious, it is important to keep in mind the financial impact that a spouse’s marijuana use can have on a family,” says Meghan Freed, attorney with Freed Marcroft in Hartford, Connecticut. “The amount of money spent on marijuana can be significant and, depending on a family’s financial resources, may negatively impact their ability to pay household bills, purchase groceries, etc.” Drug use may also lead to termination of employment, Freed adds, which in turn creates a financial crisis within the family.

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Freed Marcroft’s attorneys guide select clients through the legal aspects of divorce while remaining mindful of their overall wellness.

To discuss our helping with your situation, contact us today either here or by phone at 860-560-8160.

This morning, Freed Marcroft’s Instagram feed was flooded with the hashtag #friendshipday.   Friendship Day is one of those holidays initially created by Hallmark to sell cards.  It is now actually an official United Nations’ international holiday celebration of the transformative power of relationships between people.  Friendship is a big topic around Freed Marcroft, as people going through a divorce are keenly aware of both its importance and its complexities.  Our clients inherently know what the studies show — that our friendships play a critical role in our health and happiness and can even prolong our lives.

They also know that divorce tests friendships.  Some rise; others fall.  During a divorce, the shifting nature of your friendships can feel like another loss or abandonment to navigate.  This was actually one of the most difficult pieces for me during my own divorce.  I didn’t know where my friends — particularly mutual friends — stood on the divorce, or, frankly, on me.  If I knew then what I know now, I would have navigated things differently.

In one study of 123 couples and 58 divorced people, researchers found that “almost two-thirds said they had couple friends who divorced or broke up.  Over half said that the friendship ended with one person and one in eight said it ended with both; in about one-third both friendships were reportedly maintained.”

So, the research backs up what my clients and I have experienced.  Divorce can impact the dynamic in any relationship, and not all of them make it.  As is so often the case, my clients have taught me much bout what you can do to help your friends be your friends when you are going through a divorce.

Here is their wisdom so you don’t have to learn it the hard way on your own:

 1.  Resist the instinct to cocoon.

“Ugh, I avoided all our mutual friends I guess because I was afraid they would take her side.  Then I was aggravated that they were hanging out with her — even though she had reached out to them and I didn’t.  If I had to do it over, I would bite the bullet and stay in touch.”

Reach out to your friends instead of avoiding them out of fear that they will pick sides or judge you harshly.

2.  Acknowledge the issue.

“I’m still friends with the people I talked to early on about my fear of losing their friendship.”

As Dr. Geoffrey Grief explains, “Having clear communication about the nature of the newly shifting relationship between old friends can give everyone a road map about where to go in the future.”  Share with them your desire to stay friends, and tell then that you will not try to make them choose sides.

3.  Resist the temptation to make them choose sides.

“I would catch myself wanting them to tell me that I was right, that he was wrong.  I knew it was unfair to do to them, but I really struggled with it.”

This is really hard.  Do it anyway.

4.  Sometimes keep it light.

 A year after my own divorce I had a buddy going through a divorce.  All he wanted to talk about was why I thought his wife left him — we could never just sit and have a beer.  I realized that I had done the exact same thing to my friends when I was in the middle of my divorce.

Venting when you are going through something big is natural, but be mindful that friendship is a two-way street.  Make room to talk about your friend’s life and lighter subject matter.  As an added bonus, this will help take your mind off of your divorce.

5.  Find a good therapist.

“Dr. XXXX basically saved my friendship with my best friend.  Once I started seeing her, I could talk to her instead of dumping everything on him all the time.  Plus, she gave me actual suggestions of how to handle things instead of just commiserating with me, and whenever I followed her advice, it worked.”

It can be tempting to rely on friends for advice, but remember that they aren’t trained professionals.  A mental health professional can provide a safe, neutral space, free of judgment, to help you understand both your feelings and behaviors related to the end of your relationship and the shifting dynamics that will inevitably occur after the split.  Talking with a qualified therapist will both help you through your divorce and help keep your friendships, friendships.

6.  Keep legal discussions between you and your lawyer.

“If I could tell people only one thing it’s not to get caught up in what friends and family say will happen or should happen. I ultimately figured out that basically everything they told me was wrong, but it really made me question myself and made it hard to make a decision.”

We have previously shared our client’s tip about being careful about listening to friends “legal” advice.  If you leave legal talk between you and your attorney, you and your friends will both be better for it.

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Freed Marcroft’s attorneys guide select clients through the legal aspects of divorce while remaining mindful of their overall wellness.

To discuss our helping with your situation, contact us today either here or by phone at 860-560-8160.

We talked to former clients about their top tips on how to take care of yourself during a divorce.  Their excellent advice, which you can read here, inspired us to do a series of blog posts expanding on their suggestions. 

The first was a guest post by Natasha Roggi of  Hartford Sweat on the mental, physical, and spiritual benefits of yoga.   The second was about getting outside and exercising.  

Now, the fabulous Carol Egan — Digestive Health Coach & Detox Specialist at Carol Egan Immersion Health — joins us with this guest post on proper nutrition during a divorce.

Remember, one of our clients went so far as to tell us that “Actually eating real food changes everything” — so listen to what Carol has to say!

Off The Mat And Onto Your Plate

As an executive health coach, I applaud Freed Marcroft for the context they set for you, their clients, to maintain healthy lifestyle habits and balance while going through a divorce.

Yoga, combined with meditation and spending time outside in nature are foundational credos that I too teach my clients. These practices are grounding. These practices will bring you back to your most powerful self, especially during stressful times.

Both practices set a mighty stage for you to choose healthy for you and your family.

But, they are just one aspect of wellbeing. Proper nutrition is essential for you to maintain healthy balance.

So how can you take all the lessons you learn in meditation and yoga off the mat and onto your plate?

I offer you three nutrition-based ways to do just that, to take your lessons from the mat to your overall healthy lifestyle goals.

Just breathe = Just prepare.

Like your breath is important in your meditation or yoga practice, preparation is important in your stay-healthy game. Preparation will ensure you eat healthy and nutritious foods no matter what the day brings.

I recommend choosing two days a week (like Sunday and Wednesday nights) to prep healthy foods, to have fresh, delicious options easily at hand. Here’s a few of my favorites ideas:

• Wash greens and store in salad spinner, or an aerated plastic bag.
• Wash, slice, chop and cut veggies and store in sealed glass bowls.
• Wash berries and store in a colander,m which will prevent spoilage.
• Pre-package smoothie and juice ingredients the night before, so you’re ready in the morning to blend them up.
• Make a few dips, like guacamole or pumpkin seed pate. They will turn your veggie snacks into a treat!
• Pack a green apple in your desk drawer at work, in your brief case or handbag, in your car. Vow to eat your green apple before you eat the junk food that is screaming your name, and I promise, you will be surprised how many times this one tip can save you!
• Always have a ripe avocado ready to go. Healthy fats satiate and can hold any stressful craving at bay
• Pack a paring knife in your car to cut your avocado, veggies or fruit when you’re on-the-go.

You are not your thoughts = Healthy is fun.

This is one of the mightiest lessons meditation and yoga teach — you are not your thoughts. Like the thought, “the posture is hard to do, I’m just a novice,” it’s just your thoughts that the posture is hard that makes it hard for you to do.

Like the thought, “meditation is hard, I don’t like it, I can’t do it,” it’s just your thoughts that meditation is hard that makes it inaccessible to you.

Indeed, like the thought, “taking time to prepare healthy foods for the week ahead is hard, I don’t have enough time,” it’s just your thoughts that taking time to prepare healthy foods is hard that stops you from doing it.

Wayne Dyer said, “Change your thoughts, change your life.” If you nail this practice from yoga and meditation, and start recognizing them to shift your thoughts about eating healthy foods, you’ll accomplish your goals in half the time you ‘think’ it will take.

There is no wrong way to do things = The Wholly Trinity.

One of yoga’s guiding credos teaches there is no wrong way to do things. My guiding credo to optimize your health and nutrition and reduce stress is what I call the Wholly Trinity. This is my playful, whole-foods spin on getting green in your body everyday in three ways through green juice, green smoothies and green salads.

Greens reduce inflammation and rejuvenate, remineralize and rebalance. Pound for pound, greens offer more nutrition than any other food so they are an excellent food to include in all the ways I recommend.

Green Juice is my top recommendation for clients to add into their diet. Green vegetable juice requires no digestive energy, so even if you are stressed green juice ensures optimal nutrition. Think an IV infusion of pure vitamin and mineral-water-rich, enzyme-active and phytonutrient laden fuel directed straight to your cells and tissues.

Green Smoothies are a whole-foods, fiber-rich, nutrient-dense ‘meal-in-a’glass’ and likely one of your best meal-on-the-go options. Green smoothies are akin to a salad in a glass, with endless ways to ‘beef up’ the nutrition you most want. They also retain all the fiber of it’s ingredients that satiate longer than juice.

One of my clients favorites is Instant Glow, a smoothie loaded with ingredients to bring your cells to life, and balance to your body, so you radiate health from the inside out! This recipe makes about 64 ounces — a full Vitamix pitcher full, so cut back if you want a smaller portion.

Instant Glow

Ingredients:

1 heart of romaine
3 cups spinach
1 cucumber
4 stalks celery
small handful cilantro
1 green apple
1, 12-ounce bag strawberries
1 avocado
2 cups water
5 drops stevia, or to taste (optional)

Instructions:

Blend all ingredients, except avocado, together in a high powered blender. When well combined, add the avocado and serve.

My third recommendation for the Wholly Trinity is a meal-sized Green Salad everyday. Include your favorite greens and/or wild lettuces, tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers and especially sprouts, avocados and olives.

You can even make a salad of just simple greens, but do note that ingredients like sprouts peak in nutritional value, and avocados and olives will satiate you and satisfy you because of their healthy plant-based fats.

To dress your salad, I recommend two of my favorite, but ‘atypical’ mouth-watering delicious ‘dressings’ as new lighter fare recommendations — fresh marinara or fresh salsa. Both ‘dressings’ will transform your salad to a whole ‘next-level-healthy-salad-experience’ while keeping fat to a minimum (Healthy fats are essential, but layering an oil based dressing on top of olives and/or avocados is more than you need.)

If you follow my three tips for taking your meditation and yoga lessons “off the mat”, I promise you’ll find yourself not only in a healthier body with a healthier mindset as you learn to find your way through divorce, but also feel full of energy and confidence to create you newly!

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Freed Marcroft’s attorneys guide select clients through the legal aspects of divorce while remaining mindful of their overall wellness.

To discuss our helping with your situation, contact us today either here or by phone at 860-560-8160.

You can reach Executive Heath Coach Carol Egan here.

This morning our nieces headed off to first (how?) and fifth (basically impossible!) grades.  Thanks to Carla, Felicia, and Jackie, Freed Marcroft now has two kindergarteners, a first grader, a second grader, an eighth grader, and a sophomore in our extended brood.

Thank goodness for summer — for Kristen and me it inevitably means more time with our nieces and nephew.  This year we were heavy on beach trips.  The annual family pilgrimage to Cape Cod, of course.  Plus, multiple trips to Watch Hill where we accomplished two critical agenda items: (1) such high-quality bodysurfing that we snapped two boogie boards and (2) lunches at the Ocean House with strategically placed tables providing the girls a clear view of Taylor Swift’s house.

Summer 2016 was fabulous, now we are at the first day of school.  As Taylor tells us: “This is a new year.  A new beginning.  And things will change.”

I loved going back to school.  Love, love, love, love, loved it.  Loved new backpacks and folders and teachers.  My only beef, if I’m being totally candid, was that the hot early September weather never matched my fantasy of heading to the bus on a brisk morning wearing a kilt and a sweater for the first day back.  (Not that it stopped me from wearing plaid anyway.)

I have a theory that all those years of school hardwired something into us about this time of year.  More than January 1st, even, back to school is an annual opportunity for new beginnings and fresh starts not limited to kids.  It is no coincidence that Fall is when companies traditionally ramp-up hiring and launch new products and when adults commit to new things — whether that be taking a class or joining a gym.  And yes, around this time of year, Freed Marcroft does see an uptick in folks seeking our help to adjust their family structure, whether it be a parenting plan that needs clarification or a more major family restructuring.

All of our best to your kids — and to you — as we head off to our new beginnings.

May we all be our best yet.

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Freed Marcroft’s attorneys guide select clients through the legal aspects of divorce and family law issues while remaining mindful of their overall wellness.

To discuss our helping with your situation, contact us today either here or by phone at 860-560-8160.

The plan yesterday was to have a new sign installed in Freed Marcroft’s reception area.  Our intrepid signmaker friends spent the holiday weekend trying to get the sign itself finished for us, and yesterday evening — on Labor Day itself — met us in the office to install it.  Brick got drilled into, brackets went up, hammer drills hammered.

And then?  It didn’t fit.

(Or Freed Marcroft’s ceiling is too low, depends on how you look at it.)

We left the dust on the floor and the furniture in the middle of the room and the sign leaning against the wall until this morning when they could return at 6:30 am with the tools to resize it.

But then something happened in the sign folks’ business that prevented them from getting here at 6:30 this morning, so the office remained in upheaval well into business hours.

I share this because a similar thing happens in divorce.  Sure, I’m not talking a literal pile of brick dust and a literal ladder in your reception area, but still.  You see, we often share with clients that the most difficult thing that they will have to do in the course of their divorce is the very first thing they must do — make the decision to move forward.  But that’s not to say that after the decision is made there aren’t  still bumps along the road.  The house didn’t sell when or for the amount you wanted it to, your friends seemed like they are “siding” with your spouse, you and your spouse got your wires crossed on scheduling and someone missed a child’s school recital.

In other words, the sign didn’t fit.

At Freed Marcroft we have had the honor of guiding many people through divorce and can share that, while there will almost inevitably be bumps along the way, you should remain focused on the decision you made to change your life.  Steve Jobs said: “Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become.”

You are on your way to becoming what you truly want, so shake the (brick) dust off your wings.

Oh, and by the way.  Our sign is up.

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Freed Marcroft’s attorneys guide select clients through the legal aspects of divorce and family law issues while remaining mindful of their overall wellness.

To discuss our helping with your situation, contact us today either here or by phone at 860-560-8160.

Meghan Freed was featured in Mary Fetzer’s recent Avvo article about divorce concierge services.

A divorce concierge doesn’t replace the need for a divorce attorney, but it can make ending things a whole lot easier, especially in states where the dissolution of a marriage can involve complicated procedures.  While attorneys’ talents and fees may be best used on legal work, a concierge can help you set appointments, work through to-do lists, gather documents, vet various professionals, and support you through the labor-intensive process of divorce.

Meghan Freed, founder of family law firm Freed Marcroft in Hartford, Connecticut, is seeing more people choose to work with a divorce concierge. “While the emotional and financial impacts of a divorce are often discussed, a less-discussed reality is that going through a divorce is simply very time-consuming,” she says. “The divorce process itself—as well as the accompanying life changes—puts a lot on our clients’ plates.”

Kristen and I spent a weekend last winter obsessed with figuring out our ancestry.  A family rumor on my side of Scandinavian roots was defeated and instead we learned that my Dad is a descendant of King Edward I (a bad, bad, bad man — see Braveheart and, well, history) and a colonial Rhode Island governor and Supreme Court justice.  His family came back to New England after logging serious generations farming and mining in Ohio and Appalachia.

Kristen’s family was initially easier to trace because both sides of her family arrived on our shores two or three generations ago.  Continuing the research outside of the United States is beyond our current genealogical skill level, but suffice it to say it turns out Kristen is the one who has deep Scandinavian roots (that was a surprise!) in addition to her British Islander ancestors on her father’s side.  She is Portuguese and Portuguese and Portuguese on her mother’s side.

I am lucky enough to live a life surrounded by people of Portuguese descent.  My spouse, my inlaws, friends, and now my colleague Carla.  That’s why, when I learned of an incredible phrase from my amazing friend Amanda Sapir, it made perfect sense to me that it took a Brazilian poet writing in Portuguese to describe it.  In our divorce practice, we often talk with clients whose goals include moving on from a marriage in a way that honors the best parts of it.  That the marriage is ending does not diminish what the marriage was.

Now we have this to share with them:

Sonnet of Fidelity (translated into English)

by Vinicius de Moraes

Above all, to my love I’ll be attentive

First and always, with care and so much
That even when facing the greatest enchantment
By love be more enchanted my thoughts.

I want to live it through in each vain moment
And in its honor I’ll spread my song
And laugh my laughter and cry my tears
When you are sad or when you are content.

And thus, when later comes looking for me
Who knows, the death, anxiety of the living,
Who knows, the loneliness, end of all lovers

I’ll be able to say to myself of the love (I had):
Be not immortal, since it is flame
But be infinite while it lasts.

Be able to say to yourself of the love (you had): be not immortal, since it is flame, but may it be infinite while it lasts. 

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Freed Marcroft’s attorneys guide select clients through the legal aspects of divorce and family law issues while remaining mindful of their overall wellness.

To discuss our helping with your situation, contact us today either here or by phone at 860-560-8160.

Kristen and I spent a weekend last winter obsessed with figuring out our ancestry.  A family rumor on my side of Scandinavian roots was defeated and instead we learned that my Dad is a descendant of King Edward I (a bad, bad, bad man — see Braveheart and, well, history) and a colonial Rhode Island governor and Supreme Court justice.  His family came back to New England after logging serious generations farming and mining in Ohio and Appalachia.

Kristen’s family was initially easier to trace because both sides of her family arrived on our shores two or three generations ago.  Continuing the research outside of the United States is beyond our current genealogical skill level, but suffice it to say it turns out Kristen is the one who has deep Scandinavian roots (that was a surprise!) in addition to her British Islander ancestors on her father’s side.  She is Portuguese and Portuguese and Portuguese on her mother’s side.

I am lucky enough to live a life surrounded by people of Portuguese descent.  My spouse, my inlaws, friends, and now my colleague Carla.  That’s why, when I learned of an incredible phrase from my amazing friend Amanda Sapir, it made perfect sense to me that it took a Brazilian poet writing in Portuguese to describe it.  In our divorce practice, we often talk with clients whose goals include moving on from a marriage in a way that honors the best parts of it.  That the marriage is ending does not diminish what the marriage was.

Now we have this to share with them:

Sonnet of Fidelity (translated into English)

by Vinicius de Moraes

Above all, to my love I’ll be attentive

First and always, with care and so much
That even when facing the greatest enchantment
By love be more enchanted my thoughts.

I want to live it through in each vain moment
And in its honor I’ll spread my song
And laugh my laughter and cry my tears
When you are sad or when you are content.

And thus, when later comes looking for me
Who knows, the death, anxiety of the living,
Who knows, the loneliness, end of all lovers

I’ll be able to say to myself of the love (I had):
Be not immortal, since it is flame
But be infinite while it lasts.

The post May It Be Infinite While It Lasts appeared first on Freed Marcroft LLC.

For decades if people were getting a divorce, they could expect to have to present their cases in front of a judge. Even if they were largely in agreement about how they wanted it to go, this environment naturally led to conflict. Today, however, there is an alternative that is quickly growing in popularity. Collaborative divorce is a process where both parties (along with their attorneys) focus on finding common ground, and completing the divorce with as little conflict as possible.

Entering a Participation Agreement

A collaborative divorce begins when both parties sign a participation agreement. This agreement lays out the ground rules for all future discussions and agreements. While each agreement can be unique, they will typically all contain guidelines that help ensure the children’s best interests are put first, and that the attorneys will work toward an agreement between the two parties.

One of the most important parts of the participation agreement is that it states that if a settlement between the parties cannot be reached, both of the lawyers will withdraw from the process. This means that both parties would have to retain new representation for any litigation. This is important because it encourages the lawyers to focus on finding areas of agreement rather than conflict. For the couple getting a divorce, it means that if they can’t agree on things, they will have to start over with new attorneys, which will cost them a lot of time and money.

Dramatically Reduced Conflict

One of the biggest advantages of collaborative divorce is that it virtually eliminates the threat of litigation. With this off the table, all parties are able to openly pursue areas of agreement and compromise. This allows the couple to put aside petty arguments and focus on coming to a conclusion that will be mutually beneficial.

Much Better for Children

Even more importantly than the reduced conflict (though it is a direct result of it) is that any children involved will be much better off. Even if parents work hard to hide the conflict from the children, it is virtually impossible. Kids can sense this type of thing, especially during a divorce where emotions are already running high. A collaborative divorce allows the parents to work together as a team to get through this difficult time with as little impact to the children as possible.

Contact Us for a Collaborative Divorce

If you are looking for an experienced collaborative divorce attorney, please don’t hesitate to contact us. [Link to CONTACT US page] We can set up a consultation to discuss your situation, and see how we can help you to get through your divorce quickly, affordably, and with as little conflict as possible.

The post Collaborative Divorce: The Non-Adversarial Alternative appeared first on Freed Marcroft LLC.

Attorney Meghan Freed was among the attorneys interviewed for this article on who can access which bank accounts during marriage and divorce, or when one spouse dies. Click here to read the article.

The post Meghan Freed Interviewed by GOBanking Rates appeared first on Freed Marcroft LLC.

My dad Larry is a great golfer.  My grandparents, uncles, aunts, and now my brother-in-law Keith and colleague Ann are great golfers.  My family even holds all celebrations — from retirement parties to baby showers to after funerals —  at golf courses.

I am no golfer.  I took one golf class to fulfill my phys ed requirement at Mount Holyoke and then hung up my clubs (except for the six-some I play in once a year at my brother-in-law Jason’s charity tournament.  We usually head back to the clubhouse at the turn, exhausted from all the swinging). We aren’t big winners in that tournament because golf is a long game and you don’t know how it turns out until all the holes have been played.

But I have golf to thank for some of my fondest memories and one of my favorite analogies in our work at Freed Marcroft.

It’s not easy to play the long game during a divorce.  Your emotions are heightened, you may well feel scared, and you almost certainly feel somewhat out of control of what will happen.  It is natural to turn your attention to the immediate — what your wife said this weekend, whether someone is moving out while the divorce is pending, or why your husband let the kids go to the town fair when you had already told them no.  These are all important issues while they are happening, but you will feel better if you remember that they are micro, not macro.  When you look back in two or five or twenty years and think about how you feel about your divorce, and how you conducted yourself during your divorce, you are not going to think about (or remember) the details.  You are going to think about how you acted and how you treated your spouse and how it impacted your kids. The traditional legal process of divorce — litigation — puts you at odds with your spouse and it can bring out the worst behavior in the best of us.  It can make divorce something you have to “survive” rather than a difficult transition —  a constant source of stress, anguish, and fear.  Even worse, it doesn’t feel like a “win” when you are through it and look back.  Looking back and feeling ashamed is not what we want for our clients.

Our philosophy at Freed Marcroft is to offer all three approaches to divorce.  Mediation and collaborative law are the two alternative dispute resolution (“ADR”) approaches.  Both spouses have to opt into a mediation or collaborative divorce, if they don’t, the default approach is litigation.  That said, just because you are in a litigated divorce does not mean that you are going to trial.  Even the most litigated divorces can ultimately wind-up settling — there are still opportunities to reach agreements on small and large issues between the parties and their attorneys rather than duking everything out in court and letting a judge decide.

If you are in or are headed into a litigated divorce it is especially easy to get sucked into the micro.  The traditional adversarial system sets up the fallacy of “wins and losses” and “winners and losers.”  Remember, the rules of procedure we play by when we are litigating in family court are basically the same rules we play by when we are litigating a breach of contract dispute or an action for slander.  It’s not the greatest mousetrap for spouses, and about the worst for their children.

Two members of the annual six-some hunting for their long game.

Don’t let that happen.  Do yourself — and the marriage you had — the honor of choosing a law firm with skilled litigators on its team who are also committed to  infusing their litigation strategy with the nuances of driving out-of-court settlement on as many issues as possible.  Frankly, it’s easier for a lawyer when litigating to just put her head down and roll out the strategy she has been trained in since law school.  To ramp it up, pull out all the stops, fight like hell, and put it in the judge’s hands.  That approach is easier for the lawyer, and it’s also a lot more lucrative.

But we have seen a lot of divorces, and let me tell you, it’s not the best for you or your family.  You want and need a legal team willing to play the harder game.  Willing to keep nudging your case in the direction of your goals with honey and a carrot (but with a big stick in their pockets if necessary).  A team that will not take the bait when it’s dangled (no matter how infuriating or tempting), but will instead remain committed to your overarching goals and to the Future You who deserves to look back on the divorce and be proud of the way you got through a Hard Thing.

Because life, like golf — if we are so blessed — is a long game.

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Freed Marcroft’s attorneys guide select clients through the legal aspects of divorce and family law issues while remaining mindful of their overall wellness.

To discuss our helping with your situation, contact us today either here or by phone at 860-560-8160.

The post The Long Game and Divorce appeared first on Freed Marcroft LLC.

What do divorce lawyers tell their friends about hiring divorce lawyers?

Well, the other day, an old friend of mine reached out with some rough news. His marriage is struggling and he has reached the point where it’s time for him to meet with a divorce law firm to get his arms around some of the potential impacts to him and his family.

My friend lives on the other side of the country, and wanted my take on how he should find the right legal team to meet with out there.  I share with you the three main tips I shared with him.

Tip #1: Look for a Divorce Attorney Focused on Your Goals

Each person, marriage, and family is unique.  You want to find a team whose legal and negotiation skills are top notch, but that’s not the only thing that matters.  Divorce is anything but “one size fits all.” For example, one client’s primary focus could be the smoothest transition possible for their children, while another client’s main goal could be getting to the other side of the divorce process as soon as possible.  In order to tailor your divorce to your priorities, your legal team’s first task must be helping you to identify and prioritize your goals.

As I told my friend, “You also want to make sure they are committed to learning about your family, your situation, and the things that matter most to you. (Honestly, if they don’t talk about how critical this is right on their website, it’s a good clue they probably don’t prioritize it.)”

Tip #2: Meet with a Family Law Firm Whose Lawyers Are Experienced in All Three Divorce Methods

My second tip is to find a law firm to meet with whose lawyers are experienced in the three divorce methods — mediation, collaborative divorce, and litigation.

Once a legal team understands your values and goals (see Tip #1), they should be able to introduce you to all three approaches to divorce so that you can choose the right fit for you, your spouse, and your kids if you have them.

I shared this comment with my friend: “The reason that I am harping on this is that the decision of how you want to go forward and work through the divorce will impact you and your family for years to come. For example, I don’t want you to wind-up in a litigated divorce just because the lawyer you met with only litigates rather than because it’s best for your family.”

The process you choose for your divorce is critical and will have long term effects on you and your family.  Have an initial consultation with a law firm whose lawyers practice in all three approaches so that you will be able to get experienced guidance to help you select a process for your divorce.

Tip #3: Vibe and Compatibility

This is the “trust your gut” tip — the one for which there is no objective standard.  You must feel comfortable with the legal team you hire if you are to work effectively together.  You must gel.  The office should feel calm, orderly, and warm.  You and your team are going to spend a lot of time together talking about very personal issues — you want to make sure it’s a “fit.”

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Freed Marcroft’s attorneys guide select clients through the legal aspects of divorce and family law issues while remaining mindful of their overall wellness.

To discuss our helping with your situation, contact us today either here or by phone at 860-560-8160.

The post A Divorce Lawyer’s Top 3 Tips to Her Friend About How to Hire a Divorce Lawyer appeared first on Freed Marcroft LLC.

Meghan Freed will be part of a HCBA-sponsored panel discussing how they run their law firms.

The practice of law in a private firm involves more than just being a smart attorney. Meghan, along with attorneys Dara Goings, Sarah Poriss, and Anthony Natale discuss the everyday business challenges of building and running a law firm practice.

Click here for more information (and if you’re an attorney, register to attend)!

The post Meghan Freed Selected to Panel on Law Practice Business appeared first on Freed Marcroft LLC.

An amicable co-parenting arrangement with your ex is not always easy, but when successfully carried out it can give your children stability and a sense of being close to both their parents. It is therefore important to put aside the anger and hostility of the past and develop a civil working relationship with your former spouse.

These 8 tips will help you foster an effective co-parenting relationship by helping you and your ex stay calm and consistent and avoid using the children to resolve outstanding conflicts.

Tip No. 1: Keep an Open Dialogue with Your Ex

To maintain consistency in child-rearing practices, you and your former spouse need to converse regularly. This should ideally be done face to face, but if the divorce was acrimonious and you aren’t ready for a personal conversation, discussions related to the children can be carried out via texting, email, or voicemail messages.

Tip No. 2: Keep Rules Consistent Across Both Households

Children need structure and routine, so they know that no matter where they are, the same rules apply. You and your ex need to come to a consensus on matters such as bedtime, chore schedules, and homework, so the boundaries and behavioral guidelines are the same in both households. Research has demonstrated that children who are raised by a unified parenting approach have greater well-being.

Tip No. 3: Avoid Speaking Negatively About Each Other

There will be times when you feel like venting about your ex’s infidelity, irresponsibility, and other personal flaws, but confine those discussions to your best friend or therapist. Speaking disrespectfully about the other parent in front of the children can damage their relationship with him or her and create feelings of insecurity.

Tip No. 4: Don’t Use the Children as Pawns

Your children have the right to enjoy a loving and rewarding relationship with both parents, so using them to get information about your ex’s doings or influence your ex about an issue is never acceptable.

Tip No. 5: Be Flexible

While routine is healthy and important for children of any age, it’s also important for you and your ex-spouse to be flexible with one another. A good rule of thumb is to be as accommodating with them as you’d like them to be with you.

Tip No. 6: Developed an Extended Family Plan

Discuss and agree on the role that extended family members such as grandparents, aunts, and uncles will play in the children’s lives and the access they’ll be granted in both households. Welcoming a family member in one home but barring them from another will only create confusion.

Tip No. 7: Be Willing to Compromise

Successful co parenting requires compromise, so hone your negotiation skills. For example, if you want to exchange dates with your ex, ask him or her and be willing to compromise when there’s a particular weekend that they want to spend with the kids.

Tip No. 8: Be a Stable Influence

Resist the urge to curry favor with the children by being the ‘cool parent’. Such a ploy will only backfire when they return to their other parent’s house and face a different routine. Remember that kids do best with a united front, so combine a sense of fun with structure and stability.

The compassionate and experienced attorneys at Freed Marcroft take pride in guiding and supporting clients through all aspects of the divorce process. Call us today to schedule a consultation.

The post Be the Best Divorced Parents You Can Be: 8 Tips for Effective Co-Parenting appeared first on Freed Marcroft LLC.

Like so many issues facing you when you are considering a divorce, the differences between separation, legal separation, and divorce can be confusing. For example, it is not unusual for a couple to live separately for awhile before filing for divorce. Most of them use this trial separation as a breather to decide what they really want to do about the relationship. This is not the same as a legal separation.  

Connecticut is one of the states that provides for a decree of legal separation, which serves the same legal function as a divorce order.  In a separation, however, a couple remains legally married and may not remarry without divorcing first.  Legal separation used to be more popular back when it was somewhat common for advantageous employer health insurance benefits to be offered to a spouse despite the separation.  Many couples now decide that divorce makes more sense than legal separation, but what approach works best for you will depend on your particular situation.

The Same Issues are Covered in Both Proceedings

Both legal separations and divorces address division of marital debts and assets, custody and support arrangements for minor children, and other key issues that require a lot of time and money to resolve.  Just as with a divorce, the alternative approaches to litigation — mediation and collaborative law — are available to you and your spouse for a separation.  If you and your spouse cannot agree on something important, the default is litigation, just as with divorcing couples. Finally, if you end up divorcing after the separation, you essentially have to go through parts of the same process twice.

Barring other factors, if there is a chance you might reconcile, you might decide that an informal separation involves less hassle than a legal one. If you ultimately do decide to divorce, you won’t have to go through the court system twice.

Both Proceedings are Equally Stressful

If your primary goal is to take some time to live apart and see if divorce is actually what they want, opting for a legal separation may, on the surface, seem like a good way to take a time-out and decide whether or not you want to remain married. The problem is that it entails so much legal formality that it can put additional strain on the marriage. An informal separation will give you and your spouse the same amount of time and personal space without the cost and commitment of filing for legal separation.

Each Couple is Unique

Beyond getting some time and space to reflect, there are other factors that may make you lean towards legal separation as opposed to divorce.  For example, some people take the legal separation route for religious reasons.  For others, there are financial reasons to legally separate rather than divorce — for example because they want to continuing to remain technically married in order to meet the ten year requirement to qualify for certain social security benefits of a spouse.  At Freed Marcroft, we often guide clients through the pros and cons of legal separations versus divorce in light of their unique circumstances and goals.  

Legal Separation Does Not Allow Remarriage

Legal separation applies restrictions you might find hard to live with, such as the ability to date without any hope of marrying another person. A divorce decree will leave you both single and free to remarry.

If you and your spouse are contemplating separation or divorce, please contact Freed Marcroft today. We will set up a consultation to review your circumstances and help you reach a decision that’s right for you.

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Freed Marcroft’s attorneys guide select clients through the legal aspects of divorce and family law issues while remaining mindful of their overall wellness.

To discuss our helping with your situation, contact us today either here or by phone at 860-560-8160.

The post Understanding the Key Differences Between a Connecticut Legal Separation and a Divorce appeared first on Freed Marcroft LLC.

When parents initially approach the subject of divorce with one another, one of their first concerns is normally how the children will take it. Fortunately, children are far more resilient than many adults give them credit for, and with the proper approach and support, most children can adapt quite well to the changes occurring in their life during and after a divorce.

In order to achieve this positive outcome for their kids, all divorcing parents should seek to execute the dissolution of their marriage—and coparenting afterwards—in a manner that will provide their children with the best opportunity for healthy coping and a smooth transition. Thus, we have put together a list of useful tips that will help you minimize the stress your children will face as a result of your divorce and put them in a position to succeed moving forward.

Tip No. 1:  Consider a Mediated or Collaborative Divorce

If possible, divorcing parents should always seek to avoid taking their dissolution to court by means of utilizing mediation or collaborative divorce. These alternative methods of dispute resolution are not only better for children during the divorce itself—they are less contentious, more private, and generally less strenuous for kids—but also foster behaviors and outcomes between parents that will allow them to coparent far more effectively after the divorce. The process encourages respectful behavior and open discussion, includes the guidance of mental health professionals, and strives to keep the focus of the divorce on what will be best for the kids rather than the various subjects of your marital strife.

Tip No. 2: Minimize parental conflict

Watching their parents fight is incredibly traumatizing for children at any age. If you must discuss a contentious issue with your spouse, do so where the kids can’t see or hear you and keep your voices—and your emotions—under control. Shouting and belittling will never create a positive result anyway. You should also refrain from criticizing the other parent in front of the children, as it can distress them even more by causing them to feel intense guilt for their love of their parent.

Tip No. 3: Keep divorce-related transitions to a minimum

Fewer transitions means less stress for the children. Certain changes can’t be avoided, such as living with only one parent instead of both at the same time, and under some circumstances they may have to change schools, move into a new neighborhood, or adjust to reduced financial circumstances. Limit all transitions to those that are absolutely necessary and go the extra mile to help your children cope with them. For example: if you have to move, arrange playdates and sleepovers with their old friends while encouraging them to make new ones.

Tip No. 4: Reassure them that they’re not responsible for the breakup

Young children in particular will worry that the divorce is their fault. Gently explain that this is a grown-up problem and there was nothing they could do to cause or prevent it from happening. Help them understand that while the divorce is final (some kids may take it upon themselves to get their parents back together), you and their other parent love them very much and will continue to do so.

Tip No. 5: Facilitate regular access to both parents

Whichever parent has sole or primary physical custody of the children should encourage them to see their other parent frequently. Most children benefit from maintaining positive and consistent relationships with both of their parents, so while you may want to spend as much time as possible with your kids, it is important that your kids be given plenty of time with their other parent as well without having to feel guilty or like they are going behind your back to do so.

Tip No. 6: Take care of yourself

You need to take care of yourself so you can be there for the kids. Exercise, eat a healthy diet, discuss your feelings with close friends and/or a professional therapist, and allow yourself time to grieve and cope. When you are calm and focused, the children will be more at ease.

Whether your children are toddlers or teenagers, minimizing the stress of divorce will make a potentially upsetting event far easier for them to handle, enable them to move on much more quickly, and even help them thrive. If you would like to learn more about healthy ways of coping with divorce for both you and your children, please feel free to contact the law firm of Freed Marcroft today!

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Freed Marcroft’s attorneys guide select clients through the legal aspects of divorce and family law issues while remaining mindful of their overall wellness.

To discuss our helping with your situation, contact us today either here or by phone at 860-560-8160.

The post Divorce and Your Kids: 6 Tips to Help Minimize Their Stress appeared first on Freed Marcroft LLC.