Meghan Freed and Leslie Jennings-Lax will co-present “Are We There Yet? Marriage and Divorce Equality for Same Sex Couples” at the Connecticut Bar Association’s annual Connecticut Legal Conference. The session will address some of the differences facing same-sex and opposite sex couples in marriage and dissolution, including: residency requirements for couples married in Connecticut who currently reside in a non-recognition state; alimony and property division for spouses whose marriages were proceeded by lengthy periods of cohabitation; child adoption, custody and support issues; and enforcement of orders contained in dissolution of marriage judgments to and in sister states.

The Connecticut Legal Conference is Monday, June 15 at the Connecticut Convention Center. Bar Association members can register here or by calling the CBA at (860) 223-4400.

One of the most common misconceptions that we hear when we are discussing parental rights for same-sex couples with new or prospective clients is their belief that they are the legal parent of a child by virtue of appearing on the birth certificate.

As the National Center for Lesbian Rights explains:

It is extremely important for non-biological parents to get a[n] … adoption as soon as possible to ensure that their parental rights will be respected ….  Having your name on the birth certificate does not necessarily make you a legal parent – only an adoption … can ensure that parental rights will be respected.  

Connecticut allows unmarried same sex partners both to become legal parents of a child born into their relationship through a process called “second parent adoption.”  Pursuant to Connecticut General Statutes Sec. 45a-724(3), in a second parent adoption, the partner who gave birth to the child (or adopted the child on his or her own), agrees to the adoption of the child by another person “who shares parental responsibility for the child.”  Following a second parent adoption, the child has two legal parents for all purposes.

What Can Happen if Unmarried Partners Do Not Adopt?

As a general matter, the rights of the “second” partner (for example, the non-birth parent) are limited.  For example, when there is no marriage, the law permits the “second” partner to petition the Superior Court for visitation but not for custody of the child.  Following an adoption, if a couple separates, both parents have the right to custody and visitation, and any disputes will be decided based on what is in the best interests of the child rather than on who is the legal parent.

Without an adoption, the non-legal parent can be required to have special permission to seek medical care for the child, or to attend school meetings.  Following an adoption, that partner is the child’s legal parent entitled to make decisions for the child in day-to-day and emergency matters.

After an adoption, if one parent dies, the other parent will automatically assume custody of the child without a fight from others.  In addition, the child has the automatic right to inherit from her deceased parent, even if there is no will, and possibly to collect social security survivor benefits.

Even Married Same Sex Spouses Need to Adopt

Although this post focuses on why unmarried same sex partners need to adopt their children, it is also important that married same sex partners adopt their children as well.  Our posts here and here go into greater detail about why.

If you are interested in additional information about Adoption, please contact us.

Putting off what we perceive as the uncritical or unpleasant is one of the traits all but the purest among us share. Just google “Procrastination” and “Procrastination Quotes” and see how many hits you get. You find, for example, Hartford’s own Mark Twain, an inveterate procrastinator himself, advises us to “Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” Another wit, name unknown, notes, “Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.”

We even found a clip of David Letterman and Sean Connery offering a possible explanation for why we procrastinate.   This was much appreciated. (We already miss Letterman and his Top Ten Lists.)

Coincidentally, ala Letterman, our search found a site that provides a list of the top 10 things that cause the 300+ people who were surveyed to procrastinate. One of them? Preparing a will or other estate planning.

Eureka!  At last we get to today’s blog topic. Guess we’ve been putting off a difficult discussion.

Truthfully, very few of us want to think about, let alone talk about, the task of sorting out our assets and what will become of them when we are gone. It’s all simply too big, too confusing, and too scary. Yet it has to be done. We know that and, still, we put it off. Why? Turns out a different site provides yet another Top Ten List; and this one addresses the 10 Top Reasons for our unwillingness, our lack of will, to write our will. The reasons people can’t get from “I won’t” to “I will begin planning my estate.”  The top ten causes this site lists? At #1 is “they are intimidated by the process” and cresting at #10 is “they don’t want to think about their mortality.” All ten are understandable but not insurmountable.

We actually found multiple sites that address the problem of putting off estate planning.  Inspired by these sites, we constructed our own Top Ten List of Reasons based on their perceptions and, more importantly, on our own insights gathered from discussions with clients we have worked with and people we know, like Meghan’s father, who was in the financial planning business for over forty years:

1. Youth provides a buffer from any immediate need to plan.
2. Hesitancy to talk about death – especially our own.
3. Discomfort asking family members or friends to be a part of our planning as guardians or executors, for example.
4. Nervousness with meeting with an attorney because it puts us out of our comfort zone.
5. Assumptions about the expense of the process.
6. Fears about the complexity of the process.
7. Confusion from not knowing where to begin.
8. Illusion that if we are married we don’t need a plan.
9. Perception that only the wealthy need to formally plan their estate.
10. Demands of everyday life bump estate planning to the bottom of our to-do lists.

Our list of ten is written in no particular order. The truth is that estate planning is an exceedingly personal endeavor. While many share similar reasons for delaying the process, each individual has his or her own unique situation. Freed Marcroft has the experience and understanding to make estate planning a comfortable, personalized and approachable topic, not a scary, overwhelming or morbid one.

Appreciating the commitment our clients have to their family, friends, and the community, we provide them with a full range of services from simple wills to sophisticated gift and estate tax-savings techniques utilizing trusts and charitable-giving vehicles. We help them analyze and organize their holdings. Today’s the day to eschew procrastination and begin with us the process that, while formal, is also personal and individual.

The only proven way to overcome procrastination is to start. Waiting makes no sense. Life is fluid; it is dynamic, not static. No one day in the future will be more perfect than today is to begin planning. Let us help you initiate and successfully finish the process of leaving a legacy that’s about much more than just your money. Freed Marcroft believes estate planning is not only about transferring your financial assets and personal belongings. It’s also about capturing and transferring your valuable intangible gifts: who you are and what’s important to you – your values, insights, stories, and experience. From beginning to end, you’ll feel confident that your estate plan ensures a fitting inheritance for your family and the other people and organizations most important to you.

Anne Stanback of Equality Federation at Connecticut’s Marriage Equality Rally in Hartford on June 26, 2015.

It has been less than one week since the Supreme Court’s Obergefell decision holding that the 14th Amendment of the United States Constitution requires states to license marriages between two people of the same sex and to recognize lawful out-of-state marriages between two people of the same sex.

Love won.

Very understandably, we have already received multiple questions regarding whether, in light of Obergefell, same sex married couples need to adopt their children given that their marriages are now recognized throughout the country.

We have long advised same sex couples, even when they are married and even when both of them are listed on the child’s birth certificate, that they should do a “stepparent adoption,” and Obergefell does not change this.

While a child born to a married same sex couple in Connecticut is presumed to be the child of both members of the couple and both should be listed as parents on the birth certificate, that presumption is rebuttable based upon biology.

Otherwise put, there is nothing stopping a known donor or even an unknown donor from attempting to assert parentage over his biological child.  There is also nothing stopping a disgruntled former spouse from attempting to, for example, avoid child support by arguing that a child born into the marriage is not his or her biological child.  There is also nothing stopping a disgruntled former spouse from attempting to, for example, deny custody and visitation rights to his or her former spouse by arguing that that a child born into the marriage is not his or her spouse’s biological child.

A stepparent adoption is a Connecticut legal process in which a child who is the biological child of one spouse is adopted by the non-biological parent.  After the adoption, the child has two legal parents.  Unlike when a couple relies on the presumption, an adoption is not rebuttable. 

More, in some states, even after Obergefell, there is no presumption of parentage like there is in Connecticut.  What this means is that if the couple moves or if they separate or divorce and one party relocates, the couple may not even have the benefit of the presumption they had in Connecticut.

Adoption will permanently terminate a donor’s rights, and creates a permanent and irrevocable court decree ordering that both spouses are a child’s legal parents.

According to Susan Sommer of Lamda Legal, even with marriage equality nationwide, it is still:

“wise for people to do second-parent adoptions [making non-biological parents legally recognized ones], at least until things simmer down and the adoption landscape is clearer.”

We also anticipate that there will be continue to be religious freedom arguments made against same sex adoption.  For example:

Earlier in June, Michigan passed a law allowing adoption agencies—even those that are publicly funded—to refuse to place children with same-sex couples if they have religious objections to doing so. It’s unclear how this religious-liberty claim might be interpreted in light of Obergefell; this is one of the “hard questions” that will be raised by the Court’s decision, Roberts writes, and “there is little doubt that these and similar questions will soon be before this Court.”

In short, yes, non-biological parents should continue to adopt their children.

Meghan Freed was named as one of The National LGBT Bar Association‘s Best LGBT Lawyers Under 40.

Each year, the LGBT Bar recognizes 40 LGBT legal professionals (practicing lawyers, law professors, corporate counsel, members of the judiciary, politicians, etc.) under the age of 40 who have distinguished themselves in their field and have demonstrated a profound commitment to LGBT equality. The 2015 awardees will be recognized at the Lavender Law® Conference in August in Chicago.

The National LGBT Bar Association is a national association of lawyers, judges and other legal professionals, law students, activists and affiliated lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender legal organizations. The LGBT Bar promotes justice in and through the legal profession for the LGBT community in all its diversity.

Quite a bit of attention has been paid to the new law effective October 1, more formally known as Public Act No. 15-7, allowing faster and less expensive divorces for spouses who choose to have a non-adversarial divorce.

Until this law was effective, all Connecticut couples dissolving their marriages, even those who had reached an agreement, were (1) subject to a 90 day waiting period before they could divorce and (2) needed to appear in court at least one time in order to divorce.

The focus of most media attention has been on the parts of the new law that allow couples who have reached an agreement and who meet certain rigorous requirements — including a marriage of less than 8 years, no children, and less than $35,000 in property — to divorce without ever appearing in court and without waiting 90 days.

Although this is progress for some Connecticut spouses, significantly more couples can choose to take advantage of the less-discussed new process contained in Section 5 of Public Act No. 15-7, which modifies Connecticut General Statutes § 46b-67.

Specifically, effective October 1, C.G.S.A. § 46b-67(b) now reads:

If the parties attest, under oath, that they have an agreement as to all terms of the dissolution of marriage or legal separation and wish the court to enter a decree of dissolution of marriage or legal separation prior to the expiration of the time periods set forth in subsection (a) of this section, and file a motion seeking the waiver of said time periods, the court may waive the provisions of subsection (a) of this section.

What this all means is that all divorcing Connecticut couples who reach an agreement — regardless of their income or children or assets — can move the court to waive the 90-day statutory waiting period.

This is of particular benefit to couples who have chosen to have a mediated or collaborative divorce.  As the divorce mediator, Freed Marcroft’s lawyers serve as the neutral third party who facilitates the discussion between the divorcing couple.  We assist the spouses in reaching an amicable agreement with respect to all issues involved in a separation or divorce including parenting, income division and property distribution.

Even prior to the passage of this law, mediated Connecticut divorces were shown to be more cost effective, less stressful, and faster than litigated divorces.  Now, there is the added benefit in that once spouses are ready to move forward and have reached an agreement, with the court’s permission they no longer need to wait before they can become unmarried.

If you would like to learn more about this new law, mediation, or collaborative divorce, please contact us.

We are proud to announce that Meghan Freed and Kristen Marcroft were both included on the 2015 New England Super Lawyers® Rising Star list.

This is the third year in a row that Meghan Freed has been included on the list. This year, she was selected for her family law work. She was previously included in 2014 for estate planning and probate and in 2013 for general litigation.

Kristen Marcroft was selected this year for her estate planning and probate work.

Whether Freed Marcroft’s lawyers are negotiating a prenuptial agreement, representing one party in a divorce, assisting a family through custody issues, petitioning for an adoption, or probating an estate we are sensitive to the emotional turmoil that these events can create in our clients’ lives. We approach these matters with calm, experience, and compassion.

Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian are so often in the public eye that their tribulations can be easy to discount as products of the celebrity lifestyle and unrelated to our experience. Ironically, the current fascination with reality television shows and celebrity lives can desensitize us to our own possible reality. But these public figures are real people with real families in real situations. Although the latest news is that Lamar and Khloe have called off their divorce, their past struggles can provide cautionary tales for all of us.

The latest item has revolved around Lamar’s tragic brush with death and the subsequent discussion over whether he and Khloe were, in fact, still married. The answer became critical because life and death medical decisions were required when Lamar’s impaired condition rendered him unable to make them for himself.

Ultimately, because Arizona law requires final actions by the court, although Lamar and Khloe had signed and filed divorce papers, their divorce was not final. Khloe, still his wife, was able to make those critical decisions. But what if the outcome were not in Lamar’s best interests or what he would have wished? Complications and ill will can be common during divorce proceedings. This outcome, while fortuitous, could have been undesirable and possibly destructive.

In Connecticut, spouses often enter into a dissolution agreement prior to their final hearing.  That agreement forms a binding contract, but the couple isn’t divorced until the time of the dissolution hearing after the judge rules to incorporate their agreement into the court’s order. To prevent a situation similar to Odom and Kardashian’s, individuals going through a divorce in Connecticut can nominate a health care representative to make medical decisions on their behalf — including life and death decisions — in the event that they are unable to make them on their own.  This is often done in a document that is known as an advanced healthcare directive, living will, or medical power of attorney.

On a related topic, certain beneficiary designations cannot be changed until the divorce is finalized. The dissolution of marriage process beneficiary designations cannot be changed is complex and multi-faceted. Because Freed Marcroft is a family law firm with an estate planning practice, we are in a unique position to understand situations where the two intersect. Lamar and Khloe’s most recent ordeal is not unique to the celebrities of popular culture, and it is instructive for all of us. Fortunately, the background of Freed Marcroft’s attorneys enable us to assist you when the reality show is playing out with you as a character in real time.

Meghan Freed’s article, Understanding the Rollercoaster: How an Informed and Empathic Attorney Can Better Serve Divorce Clients, is on the cover of the October 2015 issue of the Connecticut Bar Association‘s magazine, Connecticut Lawyer.

“The process of divorce deals with high emotions in addition to the legalities. Find out what mental health professionals suggest, in our role as attorneys, we do to assist in normalizing our clients’ emotional experience of divorce.”

Email us if you would like a copy of the article.

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Both Halloween and divorce can be scary, and then there are the ghosts.  But Halloween presents an opportunity for transitioning families to have a fun holiday in advance of the more traditional holiday season.

Even seemingly innocuous holidays like Halloween can elicit and exacerbate the conflicting emotions and fears the process of divorce can create.  Halloween is the unofficial beginning of the holiday season, the season of memories and traditions and family. But for divorced families, the celebrations of the upcoming holidays, perhaps in earlier years so predictable and reliable, can evoke memories of extended families and holidays past and are now cloaked in uncertainty. Everyone is adjusting to the “new normal” and trying to figure out how to respect familiar rituals in the context of the family’s metamorphosis. Holidays can be difficult and far removed from Norman Rockwell’s perfect, nostalgic depictions.

In Meghan Freed’s recent article, “Understanding the Rollercoaster: How an Informed and Empathic Attorney Can Better Serve Clients,” published in the Connecticut Bar Association’s Connecticut Lawyer magazine, psychotherapist Gail Rosenfeld notes about divorce, “Both partners had a vision of the future that included an intact marriage; therefore, both ‘grieve their loss of the dream of their marriage and fear their unknown future.’” She explains that “‘…everything is new and scary and they are suffering a loss’” regardless of which person initiated the proceedings.’” (Contact us if you would like a copy of the article.) Adding the holidays to this angst underscores the specter of divorce as the end of the known and the beginning of the unknown. There is, however, a way to use the relatively light, non-religious 31^st of October to remove the shroud from the approaching holidays.

Halloween can be the entrée to establishing new traditions and beginnings. Children love Halloween. And adults can be taken with its spell too. Halloween is not laden with the work and high expectations that can burden Thanksgiving and Christmas: no perfect pies to be made, perfectly-stuffed turkeys to be roasted, perfect presents to be purchased, perfectly-shaped trees to be decorated, perfect handmade menorahs to be lit, perfect and extravagant meals to be planned, perfect seating plans to be designed, or perfect cards to be sent. A perfect Halloween can be spontaneous and fun. The preparation that overwhelms the subsequent November and December celebrations is part of the Halloween celebration itself: picking out and carving the pumpkin is just as much fun as seeing the finished jack-o-lantern; planning the costume is just as much fun as wearing it; selecting the treats is just as much fun as passing them out or (maybe) eating them.

While many experience sadness during the holidays, divorced families or those in the process of divorcing are particularly vulnerable to sorrow during these occasions of high expectations. Freed Marcroft wishes you a Happy Halloween free of fears for the future and ghosts of celebrations past. We encourage you to carve out your new rituals beginning with the pumpkins and costumes and candy of Halloween. The confidence and joy you could feel in October might help ease the anxiety you may feel as the November and December holidays approach.

Freed Marcroft’s attorneys practice family law, including divorce, in Hartford, Connecticut.  Please contact us for more information on how we may be able to assist you.

Freed Marcroft Dressed Up for the Holidays

The holidays can create mixed feelings for many people, especially children still coming to terms with their parents’ divorce. For divorcing parents, the stress of the first “new normal” holidays can be immense. Being aware of and empathetic to how their child and they may be feeling can help alleviate some anxieties and ease the whole family’s transition through this potentially difficult time.

If you find yourself in this situation as the holidays approach, the following suggestions propose some ways to help create new happy holiday memories for all:

Commit to realistic expectations. No family is perfect.  Not everything is always going to be wonderful, no matter how hard parents try.  If you make yourselves miserable trying to create the perfect holiday for your children, the children will know it. A better plan is to be more relaxed and have fun while acknowledging the holiday celebration may have a few rough edges.

Don’t overload the calendar. The already hectic holiday schedule becomes even more hectic when children spend time in two households and can create stress for everyone. Allow time to breathe.

Plan ahead. Work to firm-up holiday plans early so that children can anticipate where they will be when and with whom. Already dealing with uncertainty, children will benefit from the security of a planned schedule as will you.

Hartford Harvest Market

Make new traditions. Traditions stabilize kids and help them feel secure. Because divorce inevitably brings many changes, have a conversation with your children about which rituals are most important to them; prioritizing will help guide them through the process of accepting the inevitable changes. Try to avoid getting hung up on past traditions and focus instead on creating a holiday that brings your children joy. Part of that may be developing different rituals for the holidays. For example, you might consider making the Wadsworth’s annual Festival of Trees & Traditions or Knox’s annual Hartford Harvest Market a new part of the family’s celebration.

Be Realistic. No holiday season is perfect, and this one won’t be either.

Practice Restraint in Gift-Giving. Exercising moderation in gift-giving is another way to lessen holiday stress. Make a plan up front while your children are not nearby. Avoid the temptation to give too many presents or presents that are very expensive in an attempt to compensate for any guilt you may be feeling. Instead, plan some fun activities that your children will remember – like the free ice skating and skate rentals at Winterfest in Bushnell Park or the Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer production at the Bushnell. (This year the Bushnell is even offering a sensory-friendly performance that is welcoming to all families and friends with children or adults who are diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder or other sensitivity issues).

Hartford’s Winterfest

Make room for sadness. Even the most committed effort to keep the holidays cheerful and pleasant cannot guarantee that your children will experience no sorrow. Letting them express their emotions in a quiet place and validate their feelings is important.

Commit to Personal Well-Being. Remember to take care of yourselves as you make the holidays enjoyable for your children. Exercise, eat well, rest, and commit to spending quality time with relatives and friends. When you do, you will be in a much better position to create a pleasant holiday environment and happy memories for you and your children.

Practice Gratitude. Think of the things in life that are still good and right: health, shelter, food, children, family, friends, pets, a job, freedom, safety, self-esteem, and new beginnings.

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The attorneys at Freed Marcroft will listen to you and help you cope with the present and plan for the future during your divorce.  Please contact us if you or someone you know would like more information about our family law practice.

In June, the Supreme Court ruled state bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional in Obergefell v. Hodges.  Accordingly, the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) has now issued proposed regulations under which marriages between couples of the same sex are recognized for all federal tax purposes, including income, estate, gift, generation-skipping, and employment tax.

More specifically, the proposed regulations were published in the Federal Register, which redefine the terms “husband” and “wife” under Section 7701(17).  Both terms will now mean an individual lawfully married to another individual, and the term “husband and wife” will mean two individuals lawfully married to each other, regardless of their sex.

It is important to note that the proposed regulations redefining marriage will not apply to domestic partnerships, civil unions or other relationships.  A  couples’ choice to remain unmarried is respected by the IRS as deliberate, for example, for purposes of preserving eligibility for government benefits or avoiding the tax marriage penalty.  (Preamble to Prop Reg 10/21/2015.)  In addition, a marriage conducted in a foreign jurisdiction will be recognized for federal tax purposes only if the marriage would be recognized in at least one state, possession, or territory of the United States.  (Preamble to Prop Reg 10/21/2015.)

Prior to Obergefell and its predecessor United States v. Windsor, the Federal Defense of Marriage Act (commonly referred to as “DOMA”) defined marriage for federal law purposes as the legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife, and further defined the term “spouse” as a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or wife.  First the Windsor court held that DOMA’s definition of marriage was unconstitutional, and then the Obergefell decision struck down bans on same-sex marriage imposed by individual states.

The federal tax implications of these historic decisions are significant.

A year ago this week I – in a spectacular flailing demonstration more worthy of Clark Griswold than Nancy Kerrigan – broke my ankle “ice skating” during Winterfest at Bushnell Park.

Note: As a board member of iQuilt (one of the main entities behind Winterfest), and as a cheerleader for Hartford, I strongly encourage you to enjoy the free ice skating.  As a world-class klutz, I encourage you to be careful while doing so.

After one surgery, two knee scooters, and three months non-weight bearing, I learned a lot.  I learned the patience of friends and family. Kristen had to do, well, pretty much everything while I was operating at limited capacity.  My parents shuffled me to numerous doctor appointments (because, naturally, I broke my right ankle and also couldn’t drive for three months). Everyone else graciously carried my things, fed me, and waited patiently while I hopped or scooted around.  (It was all very dignified.)  I was forced to learn to ask for more help and to accept help.

I had a lesson in vanity.  You can’t fit suit pants over a cast, and your walking boot will not match your outfit.

I learned the kindness of strangers.  So many doors were held open.  So many people saw my scooter and my boot and asked what happened and how I was.  (I did often wish I had a more dignified story to tell them. “I was climbing Everest and fell into a crevasse” sounds better than “I was ice skating and fell onto a ten-year-old.”)

I also gained a far greater understanding of and empathy for those who are actually disabled.  During last winter’s weather, I found that snow and slush tend to accumulate in (and be plowed into) sidewalk curb cuts, often making crossing the street impossible when you are navigating on wheels.  Kristen took over some of my divorce hearings because it was a bit of a spectacle for me to open the half door to cross the bar to the front of the courtroom with a scooter and my files.  On one snowy morning trip to court to finalize an adoption, Robin and I discovered that the snow from the parking lot had been piled in, of all places, the handicapped parking spot.  Robin basically got stuck carrying me into the courthouse.  This, of course, is nothing compared to what people with disabilities have to deal with everyday.

A year later, I remember these kindnesses and these lessons. They frankly made me a better, more patient person.   I am also reminded of lessons that we have learned, again and again, from our clients.  In our work, we interact with people who are going through really difficult challenges.  The breakup of a relationship or a dispute involving children, for example, can be brutal, earth-shattering experiences.  

Because we understand that the emotional journey isn’t over just because the legal matter is, we make it a practice to stay in touch with clients long after our file is technically closed.  I can’t tell you how often – for some a year later, for others longer – clients tell me that while they still have rough times, overall they are well and happy, and aware that the whole process, despite its difficulty, caused them to grow and get to know themselves better.  They gave themselves the space to mourn, and now, sadness is no longer their norm.

What they have taught me is that life — whether during divorce or any other tough time — is what you make of it.  You can choose whether you wallow in it or learn from it. You can choose whether you look forward or keep looking backward.

As we head into the new year, I invite us all to learn from Freed Marcroft’s clients.  Let’s learn to like ourselves, broken bits and all.  Let’s discover entirely new sides of ourselves.  Let’s commit to rediscovering parts of ourselves we haven’t thought of in years.

Just maybe not ice skating.

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In the event you are interested, here is a personally mortifying video Kristen took of me “skating” minutes before I fell.

Meghan Freed was recently interviewed by Daily Worth online magazine for a series on professional women and how they strive to achieve work-life balance.

Additionally, she appeared on WRCH’s Rich Answers radio program, discussing finding your path, the art of negotiation, and balancing the emotional and practical sides of a divorce proceeding, especially when children are involved. Listen here.

Whether Freed Marcroft’s lawyers are negotiating a prenuptial agreement, representing one party in a divorce, assisting a family through custody issues, petitioning for an adoption, or probating an estate we are sensitive to the emotional turmoil that these events can create in our clients’ lives. We approach these matters with calm, experience, and compassion.

On Christmas, Madonna shared this photo of her and her son, Rocco, commenting “Merry Xmas to the sunshine of my life.”

It is not uncommon for custody disputes to arise (or become more heated) during the holiday season.  When they involve celebrities, the family’s personal struggle can wind-up in the press.

So it is with the custody battle between Madonna and Rocco’s father, Guy Ritchie, about where their 15 year-old son will live.  Madonna and Guy, who have two children together, divorced in London in 2008.

Two days before Christmas, Madonna sought Rocco’s return from London, where he had been visiting with his father. The Manhattan Supreme Court ordered him to Madonna’s New York home in time for Christmas.

According to Guy’s attorney, Rocco ‘expressed very clearly’ that he did not want to return to New York.  Press coverage in both the United Kingdom and here speculates about his reasoning.  What seems clear is that Rocco did not come back to New York for Christmas, and that his passport is currently being held by his London attorney.

Custody disputes involving the return of a child from one country to another are generally initially dealt with under the Hague Convention where both countries are signatories.  In this case, the United States and the United Kingdom are both signatories, so the Hague Convention will likely be used to determine which country’s courts will hear custody dispute.

We are often asked whether, in Connecticut, there is a certain age at which a child can choose which parent wants to have custody.

Connecticut courts have held that the law requires only that the court take the child’s wishes into consideration and that the court’s ultimate determination of the child’s best interest depends on all the facts of a particular case.  A child’s preference is never the only criteria for making a custody decision in a dissolution of marriage proceeding, regardless of the child’s age. In fact, neither case law nor Connecticut statutes establish or designate a particular age that is considered old enough to state a preference in a custody determination.

In any proceeding for an annulment, dissolution of marriage, or legal separation, judges use the “best interests of the child” standard in awarding custody of minor children. If both parents agree, the statutes establish a presumption of joint custody. There is also a presumption that it is in the child’s best interest to be in the custody of a parent over a non-parent. But, testimony or other evidence can rebut both of these presumptions. The court must consider any “relevant
and material information obtained from the child, including the informed preferences of the child” in making or modifying an order. The court exercises its discretion in each case and set of circumstances in considering the appropriate age of a child expressing a custody preference.

Of course, long-distance parenting presents its own special issues, and maintaining and promoting the parent-child relationship at a distance requires commitment and cooperation from both parents. Although it isn’t easy, it can be done.  We proudly assist our clients in developing a parenting plan that details the obligations and responsibilities of each parent and addresses the unique issues of parenting at a distance.

Meghan Freed and Barbara Aaron will co-present a continuing education class for attorneys, “Common and Not So Common Family Law Issues and Answers” at the National Business Institute’s Hartford Seminar “Family Law From A to Z”, March 3 in Hartford. The session will address topics such as domestic violence, rights of unmarried partners, representing gay and lesbian parents, immigration issues in divorce, adoptions, and relocations.

The seminar is March 3 in Hartford, repeated March 4 in New Haven but with different faculty. Attorneys who wish to attend can register here or by calling 800-930-6182.

Even under the best circumstances, divorce is difficult.  There is so much emotion and so many parts of your life are in flux. Understandably, for many couples, maintaining productive, or even civil, communication during the divorce process can be a challenge.  Despite the difficulty, it is essential for your well-being (not to mention the well-being of your children, if you have them!) to be able to effectively communicate with your soon-to-be former spouse.

These following five tips can help make communicating easier and more effective so that your conversations are as productive as possible.

Tip 1: Focus on Your Big Goals, Not Small, Irritating Issues. 

Any time you begin to focus on details it is easier to get into arguments.  Keep yourself focused on the big picture (such as being financially stable or quality parenting time) rather than aggravating annoyances (a bill your spouse paid late or requests for minor schedule changes).  Make a physical list of your overarching goals and refer to it when you feel yourself getting agitated about (relative) minutiae.

Tip 2: Hold Heated Topics for the Right Time and Place.

You do not need to discuss things like who will be getting what property or assets alone with your spouse, so don’t.  Focus only on the specific topics that you need to discuss and leave any arguments over assets and other things for the appropriate setting.  Depending what divorce process you have chosen, this may be in your mediation sessions, in collaborative team meetings, through your attorney, or in the courtroom.

 Tip 3: Don’t focus on blame or fault.
If you are in a mediated or collaborative divorce, fault is normally not an issue. The parties will be focused on looking forward, not back. Debating fault is a distraction that delays (or even prevents) reaching an agreement.  Even if you are in a traditional, litigated divorce where fault is a factor for the court to consider, leave those arguments to your attorney.  If you let yourself focus on fault, you’ll just wind up making yourself miserable.

Tip 4: Stick to Court Orders as Closely as Possible During the Divorce.  

If you have kids and you and your ex are struggling to communicate, during your divorce you may have a temporary parenting plan (or custody order) in place.  Although it may be tempting to ask your spouse to make adjustments to schedule when you have conflicts crop up, during the divorce try to resist doing so.  Stick to your plan as much as possible — if you don’t, it may well lead to further, unnecessary conflict.  On the other hand, keep Tip 1 in mind.  If your spouse requests a minor schedule change, focus on your major goals and consider being accommodating in order to avoid a battle over something that isn’t really important to you.

Tip 5:  For Goodness Sake, Don’t Drink and Talk (or Text).

Alcohol decreases the likelihood that you will be able to stick to Tips 1 through 4.  No good comes from calling, texting, emailing, or communicating in any way with your ex when you have been drinking.  Even a glass of wine may make you say something (or leave a voicemail!) that you will regret the next morning. On the flip side, alcohol can sometimes make you feel kind or affectionate toward your spouse.   Put your phone away and do not reach out.  You can always call the next day once your head is clear.  The same rule holds true for social media — just because you don’t write directly to your ex doesn’t mean that he or she won’t hear about it.  Even “vaguebooking” on your own wall may get back to your spouse and create a misunderstanding or argument.

In a nutshell, you need to do whatever you can to eliminate (or at lease reduce) conflict during the divorce process.  These tips will help to make your communication easier and more effective for everyone.  That said, if find it impossible to sticking to them, it may become necessary for a time to communicate only through your attorneys or the mediator.  Although one-on-one communication with your ex can be an ultimate goal, sometimes it takes time to get to that point.  Consider engaging a mental health professional to help the two of you learn to communicate without adding fuel to the fire.

A divorce is often an emotionally and financially unsettled time, and, understandably, estate planning may be your last priority when you’re facing the breakup of your marriage. However, once your divorce is final and things have settled down (and you are less weary of looking at legal documents!), it’s important to turn your attention to your estate documents to make sure they reflect your current wishes. You are at one of the most important times in a person’s life to update an estate plan – or to create one. If you don’t, your assets might not be distributed in the way you would have wished. They may either wind-up going to your ex-spouse or the state will decide who inherits your assets.

Fortunately, working with Freed Marcroft to update or create an estate plan is usually simple, straightforward and can be completed efficiently. Our background in matrimonial and family law, in addition to estate planning, uniquely situates us to understand the special issues and considerations in post-divorce estate planning.

Even after the most amicable divorce, most people need to put in place new wills, powers of attorney, and healthcare directives. In addition, bank and brokerage accounts with “pay on death” provisions will need to be updated, as will beneficiary designations for individual retirement accounts, 401(k)s, other retirement plans, annuities and health savings accounts. Finally, formerly joint assets, like real estate or vehicles, which became solely yours in the divorce, must be retitled into your own name alone.

If you had an estate plan while you were married, it is critical to update your plan

Documents and beneficiary designations you made when you were married do not automatically change in the event of a divorce: you have to take action. So, for example, when you were married you may have named your spouse your sole beneficiary, executor, power of attorney, and healthcare agent. However, now that your marriage has ended, you may not want your ex to inherit all your assets, have access to your finances, or make healthcare decisions for you.  Nevertheless, if that’s what your (now outdated) will directs, that is exactly what will happen.

If you haven’t updated your estate planning documents post-divorce, your former spouse – rather than, for example, your children – is quite likely still your primary beneficiary. Even if you haven’t been married for years, if your will, healthcare directives, or power of attorney currently list your former spouse in an authority position, then he or she is still designated to take on that role.

If you didn’t have an estate plan while you were married, it is critical to create one

If you did not have an estate plan during your marriage, you must prepare one following a divorce.  Before Freed Marcroft’s lawyers design your estate plan, we will spend time together learning your goals and objectives and discussing any concerns you have. Absent one, you aren’t in control of where your assets will go, who will be in charge, or who will make decisions for you. In Connecticut, if you die without a will, the state will determine where your estate goes under state “intestate succession” laws.  Freed Marcroft can assist you in avoiding the potentially undesirable consequences of these laws and allow you to create a will and other related documents that reflect your new wishes.  As part of the process you will also choose who you would like to handle your estate and make healthcare decisions for you in the event you are incapacitated. (If you pass away without an estate plan, the court will pick someone for you.)

Whether you are updating or creating your estate plan, please contact Freed Marcroft to get started.

The contents of David Bowie’s will were widely reported over the weekend.  Some provisions were “unusual” enough to make the New York Post’s famous gossip section, Page Six.

According to reports, $50 million went to his wife, Imam, and his two children will receive roughly $25 million each.  That wasn’t the excitement, though.

Mr. Bowie left his personal assistant Corinne Coco Schwab $2 million — according to Vanity Fair, Ms. Schwab has been credited  with “’saving Bowie’s life,’ a reference to his wild days during the 1970s.”  Ms. Schwab will also receive shares of stock in a company called Opossum Inc., which, in what Vanity Fair calls “another deliciously Bowie-esque twist,” is currently a bit of an unknown.   “It’s unclear what Opossum does,” writes Page Six.

Marion Skene who was Mr. Bowie’s son Duncan’s former nanny was left $1 million.  As with Ms. Schwab, it seems Ms. Skene was very important in helping Mr. Bowie and his family make it through the 1970s.  According to the Daily Mail, Mr. Bowie’s ex-wife, Angie Bowie, has explained that Ms. Skene essentially raised Duncan.”

According to Ms. Bowie: “We were messed up as a couple but this little creature came and David was a great dad.  But when the baby was around, our lifestyle just didn’t work.  David and I were away doing drugs, at first together and then later apart. Marion effectively became Zowie’s mother.”

The final provision of Mr. Bowie’s will that has generated interest is his directive that “my executors shall arrange for my remains to be taken to the country of Bali and to be cremated there in accordance with the Buddhist rituals of Bali.”  Mr. Bowie was a longtime Buddhist who according to the New York Times initially became taken with Bali on a 1980 vacation there with Iggy Pop.

So how do you avoid having your personal business and your beneficiaries’ information out there for all to see?

We know about Mr. Bowie’s bequests and details of his requested burial because they were laid out in his 20-page will which was filed in Surrogate’s Court in Manhattan on Friday. When a will is filed with the court, it is a public record that anybody (including reporters!) can access.  Had Mr. Bowie resided in Connecticut, he could have chosen to distribute his assets via a trust instead of having everything detailed in his will.  A trust can provide confidentiality and privacy since a trust does not normally become a public record.

This isn’t just important for public figures like Mr. Bowie — many people prefer to keep private matters private, especially when children are involved.  Please contact Freed Marcroft for more information about estate planning that can maintain your privacy.

If you have a child under the age of 18, you should formally designate a legal guardian (or co-guardians) in the event you or your children’s other parent pass away. If you don’t go through the legal process of designating a guardian for your child, a court will select who will care for your child — and it won’t necessarily be who you would choose.

Though picking a guardian is a very personal decision, the following are items that everyone should consider:

1. Designate more than one guardian.  Better safe than sorry — in case something happens to your main guardian, choose and name a successor (or two!) to be the back-up.
2. If you select a couple to serve together, decide and document what happens if only one spouse or partner is able to be a guardian.  Stuff happens.  The co-guardians you selected could divorce or split up — or one of them could become incapacitated or pass away.  We can assist you in detailing what you would like to happen.  (For example, you might decide either guardian can serve alone or that you’d rather have someone else entirely step in instead.)
3. Don’t make a potential guardian’s financial resources the major consideration.  Pick a guardian that will take good care of your children and raise them with the same values and priorities as you.  That isn’t necessarily the same person you would choose to be in charge of your kids’ money, and it doesn’t have to be. You can leave money for your children’s care to a trust to ensure it’s managed properly by a trustee of your choice.
4. Specifically exclude any family members you know you don’t want to care for your kids.  In some circumstances, it’s important to document who you don’t want in addition to who you do want to serve as guardian.
5. Establish a trust, which can reduce the involvement of the probate court and increase your children’s privacy.

If you don’t specify a legal guardian for your child, you are leaving this immensely important decision up to strangers. Contact Freed Marcroft to learn more about selecting a guardian and other estate planning topics.